Feeling a Litte Musical?

Throughout the summer downtown Rockwall is the place to be! On Fridays and Saturday nights from 6:30pm-9:00pm they showcase live music for everyone to enjoy! Kick back and relax and listen to the sounds of summer with your spouse! It all happens in San Jacinto Plaza. There are café tables and chairs throughout for you to enjoy the music! You can bring your own food and drinks as well!

Get to the concert early, sit back and relax. Take some time to talk with your spouse about their favorite music and group. If they could go to any concert who would they see? And what concert is the most memorable to them! For more information visit their website! 
Where do you go to listen to music throughout the summer?

Here is the line up for the rest of the summer!

7/29/2016 7/30/2016  8/05/2016  8/06/2016 8/12/2016 8/13/2016 8/19/2016 8/20/2016 8/26/2016

Rick Harris Rhythm-n-Roses Jimi Watusi J.R. Byrd David Byboth Cocobolo Wind Jake Bays Paul Harrington Eric Wayne and Jimmy K of Southern Ride

Sample Saturday

Each Friday we will showcase something fun to do that's free! If you have free date ideas send them our way! We would love to showcase them as well!

 

Looking for something fun to do that’s free? Well, I have the ticket for you! We go to Costco. If your Costco is like ours, it is loaded with samples. Saturday in our home is actually called “Sample Saturday” because my husband plans our whole Saturday around going to Costco to sample things! He loves it and it gets us out and about as a couple. While we are there we wander around, eat of course, and plan for things we would like to purchase one day. Currently on our wish list from Costco is a new digital camera J (That’s mine), Patio Furniture (That’s both of ours), New couches (That’s his), a shed for the yard (that’s his), a BBQ (That’s his), and an 80” TV (Can you guess who’s is that? J) Try it this Saturday, take an hour, go wander around Costco, enjoy some samples, and each other!

Relationship Tip: This date creates a friendly atmosphere for you and your spouse to connect. As you try things you can learn more of what your partner likes and doesn’t like. You could even find something that you love that becomes a new favorite at home!

What to do with the Kiddos?

One of our biggest struggles with going on dates is finding someone to watch the kids. I mean there are plenty of people out there that are willing to watch them, but with four kids they want you to pay upwards of $10.00 an hour, who can afford to go out on a date once a week and pay the babysitter? Today we are here to offer suggestions!

Relatives

As I reached out to my friends the consensus was clear: thank goodness for family! Lots of people recruit older responsible siblings to watch the youngers. I remember my oldest brother and sister watching me as we were growing up. Here’s my question to you, do you pay older siblings to babysit for you? I am torn on this one! Many couples ask grandmas and grandpas, aunts and uncles when they live close to watch their kids, but what happens when you don’t have relatives?

 

Swap

That’s right, swap! Do you have friends that your kids love to play with? Swapping might be right up your alley and it’s free! My husband and I did this with a good friend before they moved away. Each month we would go on one date one night and then they would go on a date another night. We would coordinate what days worked for each other and it would be planned.

On the night of your date you would drop your kids off at their house and you would go out with your spouse! It was perfect for lots of reasons! #1 Free child care #2 Trusted adults were watching our kids and #3 Our kids were so excited to have someone else watching them because it was like a 4 hour play date! It was a win win situation for everyone! Have you ever swapped babysitting with others to go on dates! Tell us about it!

Hire a Babysitter

Another option is to hire a babysitter and pay them to watch your kids. Skill level and pay all differs depending on whom you get to watch them. Usually we ask for recommendations of people we trust as to who they get to watch their kids and we also ask girls or guys that we go to church with. How do you pick a babysitter? Well, we will blog about that next time! So look for the post soon!

Go find someone to watch your kids and head out on a date this weekend! Have fun!

Pappas Bros. Steakhouse

Last week my husband and I were celebrating our anniversary. We wanted to go someplace nicer than normal that we could just sit and relax and enjoy some really killer food! After lots of research we decided to go to Pappas Bros. Steakhouse in Dallas. Can I just tell you we were not disappointed?  The service was on point! If my water glass was even ¼ empty they were right there filling it and cleaning the breadcrumbs off the table for me. I loved it! My husband selected Filet Mignon and I got the New York Strip, both meats were cooked to perfection. The sides and the appetizers were great as well! We finished the meal off with some crème Brulee, which is in the running for the best I have ever had! If you have a special occasion and don’t mind spending $40.00-60.00 for a steak this is the place to go! We loved it! And we definitely will be going again for a special occasion! To reserve your table click here! Let us know how your experience is!

Relationship Tip:

Going to a nicer restaurant allows you the opportunity to be pampered. It is a slower pace and they are not rushing you to leave. This leaves plenty of opportunity for great conversation and connecting with one another. Sometimes you just need to sit and relax at a restaurant and they definitely let you do that here!

Enhancing Your Love Maps #1

Love Maps #1

In a previous post on Why Date? We mentioned JohnGottman’s Love Maps. Dr. Gottman does a fantastic job of helping us realize why it is important to know our spouses. 

Jordan was a police officer two hours away from his home. When he left for work on Thursday he would not return until Monday morning. He was well liked on the police force and always did a good job. He had won many Mothers Against Drink Driving Awards and protected the people who he served. He took overtime opportunities when he could to provide more for his family. When he was home he enjoyed playing video games, relaxing, hunting, hanging out with his friends, and playing baseball and softball. There was only one problem with this, he had a wife and 4 kids who loved him that he did not spend much time with. His wife would try desperately to get him to go on dates with her or do tasks with each other so they could spend time with one another, but Jordan always declined because he had other things he wanted to do.

Jordan got to the point where he didn’t know much about the activities the kids did, where they liked to go for fun, who their friends were, or even who their teachers were. Sadly, he knew even less about his wife. He did not know her hopes, her dreams, her dislikes, her fears, or the things that scared her in life. John Gottman, author of TheSeven Principles for Making Marriage Work says, “I have found that many married couples fall into a similar habit of inattention to the details of their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.”

John Gottman speaks about another type of couple who are emotionally intelligent couples who are familiar with the intimate world of each other. Steve and Kathryn fit into this category. I taught them in one of my workshops while in college. I recall them having to say a word and determine which was better. For them, this activity didn’t work, because they said the exact same word. The next activity was to determine the supplies they would remove from the ship to survive on a deserted island. This game didn’t work either because they picked the same things! They knew what bothered one another; they knew each other’s fears. They were emotionally invested in one another and had made them a priority. As John Gottman calls it, they had made “plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.” He goes on to say, “without such a love map you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?”

People who have invested in one another and each other’s love map are better prepared to deal with life’s stresses and conflicts that couples face. Love maps protect couples when life gets difficult. Going back to Jordan and his wife’s story. Sadly 9 years after they got married their divorce was finalized. They didn’t invest in each other when it was needed and their relationship drifted apart, stresses overcame them, and conflict occurred that they could not recover from. Steve and Kathryn on the other hand are happily married and have been for 45 years! What’s the difference? Steve and Kathryn invested in one another. They invested in each other’s love maps.

You might be asking yourself, how do I enhance my love map with my partner. John Gottman tells us to begin with the Love Maps Questionnaire:

Love Map Questionnaire
By giving honest answer to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on the first principle, both of you should complete the following. Read each statement and determine if the statement is true or false.

1.     I can name my partner’s best friend.

2.     I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.

3.     I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.

4.     I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.

5.     I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.

6.     I can tell you abut my partner’s basic philosophy of life.

7.     I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.

8.     I know my partner’s favorite music.

9.     I can list my partner’s three favorite movies.

10.  My spouse is familiar with my current stresses.

11.  I know the three most special times in my partner’s life.

12.  I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child.

13.  I can list my partner’s major aspiration and hopes in life.

14.  I know my partner’s major current worries.

15.  My partner knows who my friends are.

16.  I know what my partner would do if he or she suddenly won the lottery.

17.  I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner.

18.  Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now.

19.  I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

20.  My partner is familiar with my hopes and aspirations.

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 & above consider this a strength.
10 and below consider it a weakness. Either you do not have a love map or it needs to be updated.

How do we update it or work on it? We move on to Exercise 1 according to John Gottman and his Love Map Exercises laid out in his book..

Love Map 20 Question Game

Play this game together in the spirit of laughter and gentle fun. The more you play, the more you’ll learn about the love maps concept and how to apply it to your own relationship.
Step 1: Each of you should take a piece of paper and pen. Together, randomly decide on twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper.
Step 2: Below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding questions. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your partner answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question, and you receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receive any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answered all twenty questions.

1.     Name my two closes friends. (2)

2.     What is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)

3.     What was I wearing when we first met? (2)

4.     Name one of my hobbies. (3)

5.     Where was I born? (1)

6.     What stresses am I facing right now? (4)

7.     Describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)

8.     When is my birthday? (1)

9.     What is the date of our anniversary (or engagement)? (1)

10.  Who is my favorite relative? (2)

11.  What is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)

12.  What is my favorite flower? (2)

13.  What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)

14.  What is my favorite time of day? (3)

15.  What makes me feel most complete? (4)

16.  What turns me on? (3)

17.  What is my favorite meal? (2)

18.  What is my favorite was to spend the evening? (2)

19.  What is my favorite color? (1)

20.  What personal improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)

21.  What kind of present would I like best? (2)

22.  What was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)

23.  What was my favorite vacation? (2)

24.  What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)

25.  Who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)

26.  What is my favorite sport? (2)

27.  What do I most like to do with time off? (2)

28.  What is one of my favorite weekend activities? (2)

29.  What is my favorite getaway place? (3)

30.  What is my favorite movie? (2)

31.  What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)

32.  What are some of my favorite ways to work out? (2)

33.  Who was my best friend in childhood? (3)

34.  What is one of my favorite magazines? (2)

35.  Name one of my major rivals or “enemies”. (3)

36.  What would I consider my dream job? (4)

37.  What do I fear the most? (4)

38.  Who is my least favorite relative? (3)

39.  What is my favorite holiday? (2)

40.  What kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)

41.  What is my favorite TV show? (2)

42.  Am I right handed or left-handed? (2)

43.  What am I most sad about? (4)

44.  Name one of my concerns or worries. (4)

45.  What medical problems do I worry about? (2)

46.  What was my most embarrassing moment? (3)

47.  What was my worst childhood experience? (3)

48.  Name two of the people I admire most (4)

49.  Name my major rival or enemy. (3)

50.  Of all the people we both know, who do I like the least? (3)

51.  What is one of my favorite deserts? (2)

52.  What is my social security number? (2)

53.  Name one of my favorite novels? (2)

54.  What is my favorite restaurant? (2)

55.  What are two of my aspirations, hopes, or wishes? (4)

56.  Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)

57.  What foods do I hate? (2)

58.  What is my favorite animal? (2)

59.  What is my favorite song? (2)

60.  Which sports team is my favorite? (2)

Good luck! Have fun and strengthen those love maps! We will be back with more love map tips soon!

Blog Post inspired by John Gottman’s Bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide From the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony.

Why Date?

How I discovered the Importance of Dating:

I recall going on my first date with my husband. I was so nervous and anxious. I remember when he asked me I jumped for joy inside! He said that he wanted to make dinner at his house and told me what time to be there. I was bringing a salad. I remember meticulously cutting each vegetable the same size to make it perfect, what can I say I wanted to make a good impression because he was a catch, he was good looking and he cooked!

Prior to our date, I remember going shopping for the perfect casual outfit and spending a couple hours on the “perfect casual hair style”. I selected a nice pair of shoes and headed for the door. With a lump in my throat, I got in the car and drove the ½ mile to his house. As I walked to the front door I could feel my legs shaking because of nerves and excitement. I knocked, he answered and smiled with his perfect smile and invited me inside.

From that point forward we dated for about a year. We went on hikes, out to dinner, skiing, boating, shopping, the movies, hanging out watching TV, and just about anything else that seemed fun and exciting to us. During this time we bonded, shared experiences, communicated, got to know one another more, and became best friends. Because of all the time we shared together, we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, so we decided to get married. It was the happiest time so far in our lives. We continued to have weekly date nights and keep the spark alive; then something changed, we moved and then had a baby!

This is when the dating sort of came to a halt.. We were in a new area and had no idea what to do, where to go, and we had a nursing baby who couldn’t be left. We had all kinds of excuses, and besides, WE WERE TOTALLY FINE, so we thought :). Over time we became a little more independent of each other, kids took the priority getting them where they needed to go, jobs became a little more demanding and stressful. Our relationship got placed on the backburner because like I said, we were totally fine and could handle all of this! Our nights soon followed the same pattern: my husband would come home from work, we would eat dinner, focus on the kids, tuck them in, turn off all the lights, go into our room, turn on the TV, and then we would eventually fall asleep.

After several months of this, I began to feel lost in our relationship and felt like I no longer knew my husband like I once did, but I could not pinpoint the source of the problem, and besides like I said before we were fine, it was just a rut we were in.. Then something I dreaded happened! We had to drive to a family reunion that was 24 ½ hours away, who wants to be in the car for that long with kids?!

Something amazing occurred while we were gone… Our kids were perfect angels and I got my husband’s attention for most of the car ride both ways! We were able to reconnect and establish some of the breakdowns that had happened. Our relationship was flourishing on so many different levels! From that moment on we realized the importance of time together and dating each other! Since then we have made it a point to date one another and continue to grow together, not apart.

Here’s why dating your spouse is important!

1.     Your Relationship needs to go on Dates. Relationships are ever changing and complex. In order for relationships to continue to grow you need to feed them and you do this by going on dates and spending time with each other.

2.     Helps You Reconnect. It is a misconception to say that you know everything there is to know about your spouse. People are always changing, just like your relationship.. Going out with one another allows you to get away for a few hours from your crazy hectic lives and focus on one another. Going on dates is the perfect opportunity to deepen your relationship by learning more about each other (Smalley & Smalley, 2013). It helps you not only promote more intimacy in a relationship, but helps develop your friendship as well! John Gottman (2003) said, “Based on our research, I believe that failure to connect is a major cause of our culture’s high divorce rate.” Don’t know where to start? Well, check out our what to talk about on dates page! Or you can check out Dr. Gottman’s ideas on how on enhancing your love maps!

3.     It’s a Future Investment. Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley (2013) said, “Just like a savings account, the more you invest in your relationship, the more it will grow exponentially over time.” You hear of couples who focus on their children throughout their lives and then their children leave the home and they become empty nesters in their rocking chairs looking at each other without really knowing what to do or talk about because they failed to invest in the relationship (Smalley & Smalley, 2013). Gottman (1999) has concluded through his study that couples that spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening their relationship had the most successful relationships over time. F. Burton Howard has said, “If you want something to last forever you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it… You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams new. It is special because you made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

4.     It takes away the Distractions. Every day spouses are pulled every direction possible: work, kids activities, friends, community commitments, religious commitments, and the list goes on! Dates help couples keep their relationship as the number one priority in their life.

5.     Takes you on a Trip Down Memory Lane! Dates help you remember life before you were married, the fun things you did, the places you went, and the things you talked about. As you think about these things it helps you remember why you fell in love with your spouse and why you want to spend the rest of your lives together!

6.     Sends Positive Messages. As you date your spouse, it sends positive messages to everyone around you. It shows them how important and how much you value your relationship with your husband or wife. This is especially important to show your kids just how special marriage is. They need to see you go out holding hands and come back smiling more in love than when you left. If they see this, they will want this as well and they will look for it as they are finding a spouse. They will know marriage is precious, valuable, and special (Smalley & Smalley, 2013). I know it is hard to find a babysitter, I know that it is expensive at times, but look for our babysitting ideas for some low cost ways to go on dates! Date nights help communicate this same message to your spouse; it lets them know how special they are in your eyes and how much you value time with them.

7.     Strengthens the Bond. The more time you spend with one another, the stronger your bond will become. It will bring you closer together and bring more intimacy into your relationship.

8.     Brings Back the Spark. Remember when you were first married and you could not get enough of each other? Now, are you are caught up with all the daily tasks of life and are exhausted and just want to go to sleep at the end of a long day?  Well, going out with one another helps bring that spark and excitement back in your relationship. It helps keep the romance alive (Smalley & Smalley, 2013).

9.     Helps DE stress.  A relationship needs that time to de stress because it is constantly stressed, just as much as the individuals within it are. From having a lack of communication, to getting cranky at each other from a lack of sleep, or even just not being able to see each other during daylight hours due to work conflicts, a relationship takes its hits. “Stress is one of the biggest threats to a strong marriage or relationship. Stress related to work, finances, parenthood, or illness can prove corrosive to a relationship, insofar as it causes one or both partners to become irritable, withdrawn, violent, or otherwise difficult to live with” (Dew, 2015). John Gottman (2003) said, “Family stress caused by a couple’s failure to connect can also affect the well-being of their children. Our studies show that children raised in homes with a high level of marital hostility have chronically elevated levels of stress hormones.” Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley (2013) said, “A date night should be free from the distractions of children, extended family, friends, or work. It should represent an opportunity for you to rediscover the person you fell in love with.”

10.  Strengthens How Committed you are! As you date you are sending a message to your spouse that you are 100 percent committed to making your relationship work and be successful. You are saying divorce is not an option because I am committed to strengthening my relationship with you and building our bond (Smalley & Smalley, 2013).

11.  Helps you Communicate! On dates, couples have a chance to discuss their hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. Sometimes, talking about these things can encourage one spouse to make a change in their life or pursue one of their own dreams. Gary Chapman, (2005) said, “Most of us have more potential than we will ever develop. What holds us back is often courage. A love spouse can supply that all-important catalyst.” The more you communicate away from the concerns and stresses of life, the better it helps you understand each other. It also helps you work through things in low stress situations. Because you communicate on dates, it allows better understanding and communication in stressful or contentious situations in your relationship.  

Throughout this blog we will give you date ideas, things to do with one another, ways to develop your relationship, and just have fun to strengthen your bond, your commitment and relationship with one another! Now, let’s go date our spouse!

Bibliography

Chapman, G. (2005).The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Chicago, IL: Northfield     Publishing.

Cohn, D. (2015). Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends.

Gottman, J. (2003). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York, New York: Three Rivers Press.

Gottman, J. (2003). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown Publishers.

Larson, Aaron. Great Dates Houston. 28 July 2015.

Smalley, G. & Smalley, E. (2013).  Take the Date Night Challenge. Colorado Springs, CO: Focus on the Family.