In a previous post on Why Date?
We mentioned JohnGottman’s Love Maps. Dr. Gottman does a fantastic job of helping us realize
why it is important to know our spouses.
Jordan was a police officer two
hours away from his home. When he left for work on Thursday he would not return
until Monday morning. He was well liked on the police force and always did a
good job. He had won many Mothers Against Drink Driving Awards and protected
the people who he served. He took overtime opportunities when he could to
provide more for his family. When he was home he enjoyed playing video games,
relaxing, hunting, hanging out with his friends, and playing baseball and
softball. There was only one problem with this, he had a wife and 4 kids who
loved him that he did not spend much time with. His wife would try desperately
to get him to go on dates with her or do tasks with each other so they could
spend time with one another, but Jordan always declined because he had other
things he wanted to do.
Jordan got to the point where he
didn’t know much about the activities the kids did, where they liked to go for
fun, who their friends were, or even who their teachers were. Sadly, he knew
even less about his wife. He did not know her hopes, her dreams, her dislikes,
her fears, or the things that scared her in life. John Gottman, author of TheSeven Principles for Making Marriage Work says, “I have found that many
married couples fall into a similar habit of inattention to the details of
their spouse’s life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of
the other’s joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses.”
John Gottman speaks about another
type of couple who are emotionally intelligent couples who are familiar with
the intimate world of each other. Steve and Kathryn fit into this category. I
taught them in one of my workshops while in college. I recall them having to
say a word and determine which was better. For them, this activity didn’t work,
because they said the exact same word. The next activity was to determine the
supplies they would remove from the ship to survive on a deserted island. This
game didn’t work either because they picked the same things! They knew what
bothered one another; they knew each other’s fears. They were emotionally
invested in one another and had made them a priority. As John Gottman calls it,
they had made “plenty of cognitive room for their marriage.” He goes on to say,
“without such a love map you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t
really know someone, how can you truly love them?”
People who have invested in one
another and each other’s love map are better prepared to deal with life’s
stresses and conflicts that couples face. Love maps protect couples when life
gets difficult. Going back to Jordan and his wife’s story. Sadly 9 years after
they got married their divorce was finalized. They didn’t invest in each other
when it was needed and their relationship drifted apart, stresses overcame
them, and conflict occurred that they could not recover from. Steve and Kathryn
on the other hand are happily married and have been for 45 years! What’s the
difference? Steve and Kathryn invested in one another. They invested in each
other’s love maps.
You might be asking yourself, how
do I enhance my love map with my partner. John Gottman tells us to begin with
the Love Maps Questionnaire:
Love Map Questionnaire
By giving honest answer to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on the first principle, both of you should complete the following. Read each statement and determine if the statement is true or false.
By giving honest answer to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on the first principle, both of you should complete the following. Read each statement and determine if the statement is true or false.
1.
I
can name my partner’s best friend.
2.
I
can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing.
3.
I
know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner
lately.
4.
I
can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams.
5.
I
am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas.
6.
I
can tell you abut my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
7.
I
can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
8.
I
know my partner’s favorite music.
9.
I
can list my partner’s three favorite movies.
10. My spouse is familiar
with my current stresses.
11. I know the three most
special times in my partner’s life.
12. I can tell you the most
stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child.
13. I can list my partner’s
major aspiration and hopes in life.
14. I know my partner’s
major current worries.
15. My partner knows who my
friends are.
16. I know what my partner
would do if he or she suddenly won the lottery.
17. I can tell you in detail
my first impressions of my partner.
18. Periodically I ask my
partner about his or her world right now.
19. I feel that my partner
knows me pretty well.
20. My partner is familiar
with my hopes and aspirations.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 & above consider this a strength.
10 and below consider it a weakness. Either you do not have a love map or it needs to be updated.
How do we update it or work on it? We move on to Exercise 1
according to John Gottman and his Love Map Exercises laid out in his book..
Love Map 20 Question
Game
Step 1: Each of you should take a piece of paper and pen. Together, randomly decide on twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left-hand side of your paper.
Step 2: Below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding questions. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your partner answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question, and you receive one point. If your partner answers incorrectly, neither of you receive any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you’ve both answered all twenty questions.
1.
Name
my two closes friends. (2)
2.
What
is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3.
What
was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4.
Name
one of my hobbies. (3)
5.
Where
was I born? (1)
6.
What
stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7.
Describe
in detail what I did today, or yesterday. (4)
8.
When
is my birthday? (1)
9.
What
is the date of our anniversary (or engagement)? (1)
10. Who is my favorite
relative? (2)
11. What is my fondest
unrealized dream? (5)
12. What is my favorite
flower? (2)
13. What is one of my
greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. What is my favorite time
of day? (3)
15. What makes me feel most
complete? (4)
16. What turns me on? (3)
17. What is my favorite
meal? (2)
18. What is my favorite was
to spend the evening? (2)
19. What is my favorite
color? (1)
20. What personal
improvements do I want to make in my life? (4)
21. What kind of present
would I like best? (2)
22. What was one of my best
childhood experiences? (2)
23. What was my favorite
vacation? (2)
24. What is one of my
favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. Who is my greatest
source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. What is my favorite
sport? (2)
27. What do I most like to
do with time off? (2)
28. What is one of my
favorite weekend activities? (2)
29. What is my favorite
getaway place? (3)
30. What is my favorite
movie? (2)
31. What are some of the
important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)
32. What are some of my
favorite ways to work out? (2)
33. Who was my best friend
in childhood? (3)
34. What is one of my
favorite magazines? (2)
35. Name one of my major
rivals or “enemies”. (3)
36. What would I consider my
dream job? (4)
37. What do I fear the most?
(4)
38. Who is my least favorite
relative? (3)
39. What is my favorite
holiday? (2)
40. What kinds of books do I
most like to read? (3)
41. What is my favorite TV
show? (2)
42. Am I right handed or
left-handed? (2)
43. What am I most sad
about? (4)
44. Name one of my concerns
or worries. (4)
45. What medical problems do
I worry about? (2)
46. What was my most
embarrassing moment? (3)
47. What was my worst
childhood experience? (3)
48. Name two of the people I
admire most (4)
49. Name my major rival or
enemy. (3)
50. Of all the people we
both know, who do I like the least? (3)
51. What is one of my
favorite deserts? (2)
52. What is my social
security number? (2)
53. Name one of my favorite
novels? (2)
54. What is my favorite
restaurant? (2)
55. What are two of my
aspirations, hopes, or wishes? (4)
56. Do I have a secret
ambition? What is it? (4)
57. What foods do I hate?
(2)
58. What is my favorite
animal? (2)
59. What is my favorite
song? (2)
60. Which sports team is my
favorite? (2)
Good luck! Have fun and strengthen those love maps! We will be back with more love map tips soon!
Blog Post inspired by John Gottman’s Bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N.
(2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide
From the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony.
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